I’m the Executor, and One Parent Has Passed; Now What? 

Recently, my 92-year-old Dad died from heart failure. My Mom, who is 90, is still alive but cannot take on the personal matters that need to be conducted in light of my father’s passing. So, as executor of the estate, although my Mom is still living, I have taken on the duties of a caregiver.

Part of that is what people like to call “making arrangements.” But that doesn’t even come close to what you should expect. For instance, my Mom and Dad made arrangements back in 2007 for funeral costs, and they chose cremation. They even asked, if the situation arises, to not be resuscitated, which happened to my Dad. It was tough to see him go.

What happened after that were events that were unexpected and frustrating. It became a case of trial and error, praying that I didn’t screw up something important. I’m sure there are articles and books on what to do when a loved one passes. But I doubt they covered all of the bases since everyone’s journey differs from anyone else.

I wanted to share my experience, and maybe someone out there will benefit from what I went through. 

Make Arrangements

This should be rule number one when preparing for you and/or your spouse or partner for their passing. Once you inform the person you want to select to make the arrangements, and they agree to do so, you need to do as much as you can ahead of time to help your executor.

For instance, when they selected me as their executor, my parents did a lot of prep work to make things easier for me. They found a place they wanted to rest and made arrangements with a funeral home of their choice. They also chose a military-type service and let the funeral home know they wanted to be cremated. 

Furthermore, they worked it out with the hospital’s member services department that they did not want to be resuscitated. The bottom line for those who are making out their will and making arrangements is to cover as many bases as possible because your executor will soon learn that there will always be something that wasn’t covered.

When Death Occurs

This is undoubtedly the most challenging moment. Death comes in many forms. It can come quickly, such as the result of an automobile accident or something not expected. Then again, it could come over a period of time due to a prolonged illness. 

My Dad had a little of both. His health wasn’t that great over the last couple of years, but he suffered a heart issue and was gone in just a few minutes. Although he was 92, we still didn’t see that coming.

After a period of time, and no book tells you how long to grieve, it’s time to make many calls to family and friends to tell them the bad news. It’s a difficult process. You find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again. People apologize and go over how great your Dad was and how he’s being remembered. You can only cry so much when you’re an emotional wreck talking about him. 

Taking Care of … Everything?

As an executor, I tried to take care of everything. It’s tough, but I more or less got through. I advise getting a date for services as soon as possible. Chances are people will be flying or driving in from all over the country and need to make accommodations, so coordination is the key. 

In some states, burial services could take just a week when someone passes. However, in my case, in Northern California, the process took nearly a month. We had people show up a week after Dad’s death thinking the service would be scheduled like other states. Although they couldn’t stay for the service, they sure came through with helping around the house.

Now I’ve reached the point where everyone has gone, and there are many things to do.

Organization is Important

Once again, there is no playbook for what needs to be done. Getting advice from others was a big help for me. My aunt, for instance, said to “sit in front of the computer and have a bottle of aspirin sitting next to you.” 

So the first thing I did was order at least 10 death certificates through the funeral home. The cost was $25, but the cost varies from county to county and state to state. You need this certificate to give to any organization, from changing the will to closing the door on medical insurance. Getting more death certificates than you might need is a good idea because you never know when something will happen. And believe me, it will happen. I settled on getting 10.

My next target was Social Security. If you don’t contact Social Security right away, the Social Security checks will keep coming. I have heard horror stories about attempting to return the checks, so I immediately let them know. Also, her Social Security checks will change since Mom is still alive. She will now receive the same amount as my Dad. Still, you need to contact Social Security immediately because the process takes a month or so to complete. 

Go Down the List

There are a number of issues to take care of from here. They entail:

• If there is an existing will between parents, the living parent and executor need to make changes to show one parent has passed, and the will needs to be updated. Hopefully, you will have a good lawyer who can help you along the way, especially if there are things like property (your home) or assets and even the family car.
• Notify the bank of the change in status; it will also need one of the death certificates. Changes need to be made with the savings and checking accounts, loans, and even a safety deposit box if you have one. The bank will help you through the process if needed.
• My parents have stocks, so it was necessary to call the broker to take my Dad’s name off the stocks Mom and he had. This was one place I needed a death certificate.
• Speaking of financial accounts, I made the mistake of getting Dad’s credit card canceled without realizing there might be lingering payments due or refunds. This might take some calls to creditors to straighten things out. 
• There could be loose ends with your medical provider with future appointments and, in my Dad’s case, he had just purchased hearing aids. The hearing aids were refundable, but I didn’t realize that Dad paid for them with his credit card and not a cash payment, which he usually did. Guess what? Yep, I canceled the card before the refund was made, and now I am fighting to get the refund. I will update the blog when I reach an end result.
• Also, cancel all medical appointments and get rid of any medicines they took.
• Take over the bills. This is brutal. I had to remove Dad’s name from home and car insurance, gas and electric, and property tax, and you might have to deal with mortgage or rent payments. Thankfully, my parent’s house is paid off. Meanwhile, backtrack as many bills as possible to find out what’s still out there. Make calls to the creditors if needed. I had to, and everyone was very cooperative.
• I contacted the DMV to see what forms needed to be filled out to get my Dad’s name off the registration. In addition, I turned in Dad’s placard, and now the car is under my name. Yes, I currently have two cars with two sets of insurance to deal with. I expect that to change by the end of the year.
• In addition, you may run across a better way to handle the bills. My parents never subscribed to anything digital. They paid everything through snail mail, so I have made things as smooth as possible digitally since I took over the bills. 

A Few Surprises

It’s nearly impossible to have everything go totally smoothly. For instance, my Dad was a big player with Publisher’s Clearing House, so I filled out a form, and the representative told me it could take up to six months to resolve the matter. Meanwhile, PCH loves to send tons of coupons and other types of offers and that will keep coming to your mailbox for a while. Just be patient.

In light of that, and many other things, try your best to find out what’s lingering out there. For example, packages addressed to my Dad kept coming well after his death. He put in some orders we were unaware of, so we continued to get stuff addressed to my Dad. You can go to the Post Office and return them. Meanwhile, I will wait until I feel confident that nothing more will come through the mail.

Even so, you will probably forget about something. Don’t panic. If it’s a bill, do a little research to find out what it’s all about. Either pay it or contact the organization where the bill originated to find out what it’s all about. 

It’s a lot of work, but at least you know you’ve done your best for a fallen loved one, and that’s all we can ask.